A Good Word about Gratitude

It is so nice to be back at Fairfield. Last weekend we were in San Antonio watching our son graduate from college. Joan had flown down four days earlier to babysit our grandson Miles so Sam and Kelsea could pack for their move to Fort Campbell. I stayed back here to help with Madeline and watch the dog, then flew down on Thursday morning on Southwest Airlines via Houston. Because I’m a simple Quaker, I didn’t pay the extra money to board first, so was one of the last ones on the plane and had to sit in a middle seat, in between two people who were as different as night and day.

The man in the aisle seat moaned and groaned the entire way. He was unaware that Southwest doesn’t serve meals on domestic flights, and in anticipation of a meal, hadn’t eaten breakfast. The long-suffering flight attendant kept giving him packets of pretzels, but that didn’t improve his attitude. The more she did for him, the more he complained, the more pretzels he demanded. No thank-yous, no words of appreciation, just moaning and groaning all the way from Indianapolis to Houston. After a while she just ignored him.

The lady in the window seat was his exact opposite. I think she might have been a Quaker, but then I tend to think everyone I admire is a Quaker. She just gave off that vibe. She was gracious and generous. She had brought some snacks on the plane and shared them with the aisle seat man, and he said not a word of thanks. He just acted as if it were his due. Of course, she should give him her snacks.

I really liked her, so we chatted. She was going to Houston to see her grandchildren and I kept thinking how fortunate her grandchildren were to have a grandmother like her. I hope they realize that. I suspect they do. I know Mile and Madeline are aware they’ve hit the grandma jackpot.

We were talking about our grandchildren and then she asked me what I did. I love it when I’m on an airplane, chatting with someone who doesn’t know me and will never see me again. It gives me an opportunity to reinvent myself. I don’t have to be a writer or a pastor. I can be anything I want to be—an architect, a brain surgeon, a rocket scientist. But this lady was so nice, I didn’t want to lie to her. I would have told whoppers to the aisle seat guy all day long, but I didn’t want to lie to the window lady, she was too nice.

Now, I’ve always liked farmers. It’s hard not to like a farmer. It’s such a noble profession, feeding people, tending the Earth, hard-working. So I told her I owned a farm, which is true, and if by that she assumed I was a farmer, well then, how could I help that. Plus, it was only a two-hour flight, so I thought I knew enough about farming to sustain the charade for two hours.

She said, “A farmer! That’s wonderful. My husband and I are farmers,” which was the last thing I wanted to hear, since I know nothing about farming.

She said, “What do you grow?”

What do I grow? What do I grow? What do I grow? I immediately started thinking of everything you see in the produce aisle at Krogers and told her, “Mostly bananas and coconuts. Sometimes pineapples.”

I think she figured out I didn’t make my living as a farmer, but even then she was so gracious.

I explained that the money in coconuts was in making little heads out of them that you could sell in tourist shops in Florida, which she thought was a great idea. I told her when I got home, I’d send her some coconut seeds so she could grow them too.

Well, there I was, seated smack in between ingratitude and gratitude, which is often where I find my own self these days. One moment ungrateful and moaning and groaning, the next moment grateful and generous and sharing. I’m trying hard to lean more toward gratitude, but it’s a challenge, isn’t it?

The German philosopher, Immanuel Kant said this about ingratitude. “Ingratitude is the essence of vileness.” Ingratitude is the essence of vileness. Kant believed the failure to be grateful for the benefits and blessings we receive discourages people from doing good in the future. I noticed that with the flight attendant, the more ungrateful the aisle seat man was, the less enthusiastic she seemed to be about helping him, and I certainly don’t blame her. Who wants to do something nice for someone who is ungrateful and arrogant? Not me. We know that’s true, because when we have done something kind to someone and they respond with ingratitude, we are not as likely to help them again. Thus, ingratitude is the essence of vileness.

Kant believed ingratitude was a failure to fulfill our moral duty, because it shows disrespect for the person who has done a good duty. If ingratitude becomes common, it discourages people from committing acts of kindness, ultimately harming society.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking. Amid our current troubles, I’ve been thinking our divide is a political divide, the Republicans pitted against the Democrats, which is wonderful convenient, since it puts people like me on the good side. But it’s a false distinction, because it implies Republicans are all bad and Democrats are all good, which simply isn’t true. It’s tidy and therefore tempting, but it isn’t true. Our divide is between those who are ungrateful and those who are grateful.

Ungrateful people, in my experience, tend to be narcissistic, thinking only of themselves and what they deserve, thinking only of what life owes them. And when they don’t get what they believe is their due, they look for someone to blame, someone who is getting what is rightfully theirs, whether it is attention or resources or admiration. When we are ungrateful, and I say “we” because we are all susceptible to ingratitude, when we are ungrateful, we become acutely sensitive to perceived indignities and slights, so look for someone to blame. It’s a vicious circle, because the more ungrateful we are, the less likely others are to extend kindnesses to us, so our anger and self-absorption build.

But when we are grateful, when we acknowledge the blessings and benefits we receive, we further the moral contract by which we all benefit. If ingratitude is the essence of all vileness, gratitude is the heart of all goodness, for it encourages other to continue their acts of charity and generosity.

Be grateful, friends. Look for every opportunity in your life to say “thank you,” to say, “I appreciate you.” When we do that, we all become farmers, reaping a harvest of benevolence and well-being.

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Philip Gulley is the author of Unlearning God: How Unbelieving Helped Me Believe and the popular Harmony series.

Discover my books, stories, and more by visiting Books by Philip Gulley

Contact Philip directly at philiphgulley@gmail.com

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