Do’s and Don’ts In Times of Change. Part 2

It Is Better To Ask More Questions Than To Give More Answers

When I was 16, I was hired, along with 39 other teenagers, to work at the Indiana Dunes Lakeshore for the summer. It was my first time away from home, except for vacations, which were always family events, so I was worried about not knowing anyone, and whether or not I would make any friends. This was true for all the teenagers, it was new land for all of us, with all of the attendant anxieties one experiences in new and different situations.

I shared a dorm room with five other boys, each of us assigned an Army cot and a footlocker to store our belongings. One of my roommates was named Doug Abernathy, a young Black man who lived in East Chicago. The only Black person I had known up until then was Doc Foster who collected the trash in our town, who gave me my first bicycle, built from bicycle parts he’d found at the town dump and cobbled together into a bicycle. It had everything but a seat, one not being available, just a seat post, which I only sat on once. My roommate Doug was very kindhearted, intelligent, and thoughtful. He seldom talked about himself, being far more inclined to ask us questions about ourselves, where we were from, how many siblings we had, the things we liked and disliked. Doug is still that way. We’ve remained friends and not long ago we went to the farmhouse for an overnight trip and Doug is still asking questions, still shining the light on others and never himself, even though he has been very successful in life.

But there was another roommate whose name was Mike. And Mike knew everything. Mike knew how everything was done, what everyone should think, and never hesitated to tell you everything on subjects he knew nothing about. I am convinced that whoever coined the term mansplaining had Mike in mind. For those of you who don’t know what mansplaining is, I’m going to mansplain and tell you. It is when a man explains something to someone, usually a woman, in a condescending or patronizing manner. Here’s an example. “Last Monday night, Phil mansplained to Joan how to balance a checkbook, though she has been managing their finances for 40 years.” 

So Mike was a mansplainer. We called him Mike the Answer Man. Always pontificating. Think Rush Limbaugh and Jerry Falwell rolled into one. Like the cicada, these folks seem to emerge in cycles, especially during seasons of change and cultural anxiety, when they take it upon themselves to tell the rest of us who to hate and what to fear. They are, to quote a popular saying, often wrong, but never in doubt.

We’re thinking these days about the do’s and don’ts during times of change, so today I would like to suggest a helpful pattern. During seasons of change, it is better to ask more questions than to give more answers, to be more like Doug and less like Mike.

Here’s an example: This past week, I was with a small group of people and the topic of religion came up. One of the persons present was very Baptist, not Jimmy Carter Baptist, but Pat Robertson Baptist and he began talking about wives submitting to their husbands. Just as I was getting ready to ask if he had always been misogynistic or was that a new development, another man present asked, “Is that the way you grew up?”

“Yes,” the man said.

“Did that work for your parents? Did they have a happy marriage?”

“Not always.” 

“Are you the head of your household?”

“Now that I think about it, I guess my wife and I talk about things and then we decide together what to do.”

I just sat there listening, marveling that within the space of three questions, he’d helped this man understand that despite his words to the contrary, he actually admitted he and his wife were partners in their marriage, a realization he would never have arrived at if I had been in charge of the conversation.

In times of uncertainty and change, questions expand understanding, answers diminish it. Questions open doors, answers close them.

Here are some things I’m learning not to say, and some questions I’m learning to ask instead:

I’m learning not to say, “The person you’re voting for is a fascist or a communist or a socialist.” You can fill in the blank.

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “What about that person appeals to you?”

I’m learning not to say, “The rich should pay more taxes.”

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “If it were up to you, how would you raise the money we need?”

I’m learning not to say, “Unless you are Native American, you or your ancestor was an immigrant.”

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “What are the things that would motivate you to move to another country?”

I’m learning not to say, “Your beliefs about God are antiquated and unhelpful.”

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “What do you hope God is like?”

I’m learning not to say, “We need to outlaw guns. No one should be allowed to have them.”

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “Do you feel safe?”

I’m learning not to say, “You’re crazy” or “What in the world are you thinking?” or “Have you always been this stupid?”

Instead, I’m learning to ask, “Tell me what’s important to you and why?”

Let’s learn to be a Doug, not a Mike, to be quick to ask questions and slower, much slower, to tell people what they should believe, how they should vote, and what they should think. Because questions open doors, when answers will slam them shut.

---

Philip Gulley is the author of Unlearning God: How Unbelieveing Helped Me Believe and the popular Harmony series.

Discover my books, stories, and more by visiting Books by Philip Gulley

---

JOIN PHILIP FOR SUNDAY WORSHIP

You're invited to join Philip and Fairfield Friends Meeting online for our worship services (Sundays 10:30-11:30 a.m. EDT) via Zoom.  

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83152822906?pwd=UDkzR3NPNlB5N29QY0svelRkNkUwdz09

Meeting ID: 831 5282 2906

Passcode: Quaker

---

Philip is currently scheduling 2024-2025 live events.  Don't see an event in your area?  Invite Philip to speak to your church, group or organization by contacting him at speechinfo@philipgulley.com

Philip is additionally offering his speaking services for your virtual events.  If you are holding church services, conferences and meetings online through video conferencing software, such as Zoom, and would like to invite Philip to speak, please reach us at speechinfo@philipgulley.com for details.  Since travel is not involved, Philip's speaking fee will be considerably reduced.